Waiting sucks. It sucks because I have yet to master the “leaving it in God’s hands” mentality. The thing is I yearn for this mentality so much. It consumes my thoughts any second I’m not running through the what ifs. Is it just me or does everyone only go through negative what ifs and not the positive rainbow and sunshine ones?

Today’s bone marrow aspiration went pretty straightforward. We checked in, had her accessed, and handed out some candy and gift cards to Ava’s team. My sweet friend Katie, who always thinks of others, sent Ava’s team the Starbucks gift cards we delivered today.

We had our follow up with Dr. Molina and then walked over to visit Jade. Jade and Ava were diagnosed on the same day. Jade’s being treats for AML and has had to spend most of the last four months in patient. On the bright side she’s getting ready to be released. She will be home for a few days before returning to complete her final round of inpatient treatment. They’re hoping she’ll be done by early December.

After visiting with Jade we went back to clinic and Ava got prepped for her BMA. The anesthesia worked really fast! I was speaking to her attending, Dr. Cooper, looked away for about two minutes and then I looked over and she was out. While she was in her procedure I prayed the rosary and Kev ran to Starbucks for two buttered croissants and the almond milk hot chocolate Ava had been begging for since 8 am. I felt the procedure was taking too long, but realized the door was open she was just still asleep. When they let us back in the room Ava’s was starting to wake up and asking for her food. She was a little groggy, but able to get some food in her. She was hangry before the procedure so I was happy to see she wasn’t going to have any trouble eating.

While we were waiting to get discharged Dr. Molina stopped by to let us know he would be getting the results of her marrow in next 24-48 hours. He said we should plan on beginning interim maintenance on Friday November 8th. He also warned me that even though the bloodwork from today would show blasts he and Dr. Cooper had looked at the cells under a microscope and were confident they were not leukemia cells. Of course as soon as he said this I started to cry. I think my reaction may have scared the attending because he went into overdrive to assure me that we were doing the best thing. He said that testing her marrow was the best and most precise test to see if they were leukemia cells like the computer flagged or normal immature cells like Dr. Molina and Dr. Cooper said. He mentioned that we weren’t burying our heads in the sand and a marrow aspiration was our best bet for piece of mind. I told the sometimes the sand is nice. He laughed and then said well at least you know Dr. Molina will always be honest with you and not sugar coat things. I told him I like sugar. He thought I had a great sense of humor. However, I wasn’t trying to be funny. Soon after we left got an email from Dr. Molina that they were expediting her results so I’ve pretty much been unable to chill waiting for the phone call.

Since getting home Ava’s been pretty sore and sleepy. She asked if Trevor could come visit. He had to put down his pup, Buster yesterday. The girls have been worried about him. She had to make sure he was okay so we bribed him with sushi and he came by. After visiting w Trevor for a little while the girls watched MIB with Kevin. I realized Dr. Molina wouldn’t be calling tonight and have finally allowed myself to relax for a bit. I don’t feel as anxious.

Unfortunately since we are still waiting and Ava is neutropenic we won’t be going to the Nationals parade tomorrow. My boy is SO upset. I wish I could do something to cheer him up or change the situation, but I can’t. I was alone the first time we got the news of Ava leukemia and I’m terrified of of being alone when we get results tomorrow. I wish I weren’t superstitious, but I am. I wish I were strong enough to send Kevin and Ko to the parade, but I’m not.

I’m a mama who is scared of the unknown and finding out the worst. With God’s help I’m strong enough to care for my darling girl as she undergoes treatment. I’m strong enough to soothe her as she deals with pain from her procedures. I’m able to keep track of medicines and make it to some appointments. But I’m in desperate need of prayers to trust and have faith as we await the news and figure out what our next steps are.